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Damn. It feels like I've been gone for a million years. Yes folks, it is I. Nicole Deutscher. Nickles to some. Nic Nac to others. Plain Nicole to most. Sex crazed nipple pierced jolly good gal to all. (Jolly good gal? Hmm.)
I wonder if anyone out there misses me.
My life has been a roller coaster of emotions and life changes. I've been up and down, lived in five different places, been fucked 18 times a day to days and weeks of dry spells. I've lost contact with most, and missed each and every meaningful person in my life every single day. And all without the internet for solace.
Good God, how am I still alive?
Here is my story:
MAY
I came out to Vegas in the beginning of May following my dad's death. My grandma (dad's mom) and the rest of my dad's family promised me and my father before he died that they would take care of me and always be there for me. Fat chance. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I moved in with my psychopathic grandmother and my senile step great grandfather. I had my own room in a nice house and it was semi decent living there. If grandma didn't love to live her life in misery, that is. My Uncle Billy (one of my dad's brothers) said that if a day went by that grandma didn't bitch, she wasn't happy. Boy was it fun telling my grandma that I couldn't get a job at her casino for 3 months though, because casino's in Vegas now hair test back 3 months. What a drag. Those of you who know me best definitely know I don't qualify. In the least. But I made a vow to go sober and get that job. Goddamn right.
JUNE
Still sucked living at grandma's. But hey, it was a place to live. Grandma decided to buy me a dog, an adorable German Shepherd/Terrier/Rott mix. I named her Gia and loved the shit out of her. Even if she peed and shat all over. I couldn't train her properly, however, because big bad grams kept undermining my authority. Like I don't know how to train a fucking dog. Duh, I grew up with 3 boxers. Needless to say, that dog loved me. I spoiled her rotten and she adored me. I've never had kids (besides the two sisters I practically raised) but I feel like if I did, they would be just like Gia. Spoiled and rebelious and loyal and loving only to me. And when I say loyal and loving ONLY TO ME, I damn well mean it.
Oh, and P.S. for June...I smoke. And I didn't tell grandma because I didn't want to hurt her because her son had just died from cancer. How happy would she have been if she knew I was doing what killed my father? So, I didn't tell her. Well, she found out and flipped. Accused me of sneaking behind her back. So I told her I never sneak behind her back again. I told her I would always be straight foward with her. She told me that's all she wanted. Ha. What a laugh that is.
JULY
I met Frank Testo on July 7th at my Uncle Billy's house for my grandma's birthday party. He's been friends with Billy and Robert (dad's other brother) for 26 years. He came to the party fucking stoned. My first impression? What a fucker. But that changed fast. By the end of the night I knew I wanted to fuck him. He was an easy target. He loves feet. I have the best ones in the bunch. Frank was living with Robert at the time, trying to get his money situation in order. Bunch of dumb fines and doctor bills. Normal shit. Pretty broke because his wife killed him in the divorce. That's after she tried to kill him when they were still married. More on that later. So, that weekend I stayed at Robert's house to help him pack his ex wife's shit up because she was supposed to come get it. But, honestly, I just wanted to bone Frank. So I seduced him. It was easy, he thought I was incredibly beautiful. I knew someone out there had to. Haha. So, we became fuck buddies. (Woohoo!) We stayed on that level for about 2 weeks. But we fell in love hard and fast. We became official July 22nd, but Frank always says we've been together since the first day we met. Aww.
Oh, and P.S. Part II. Frank is 39. Try to look past the age. It's only a number and he looks about 25. So we're even because I look about 25 too.
AUGUST
Frank and I were dating secretly for a couple of weeks because we knew my family wouldn't approve. (Except for Robert, he knew and said "Go for it") It was my decision to tell grandma because I promised her I wouldn't do things behind her back. And because I wasn't ashamed of being with Frank one damn bit. Well, things didn't go so well. Grandma has never liked Frank. She's known him since he was 14 and Billy and Robert always blamed things on Frank. He's an easy target, even back then I suppose. Frank also has a past, but don't we all? Frank has always been honest with me about his past and I love him for it. Grandma doesn't, apparently. Once I told her that we were together, the fit hit the shan. When I refused to break up with me, she threated to kick me out of the house and "ruin" Frank's life. Think of seriously overreacting and then multiply it by a hundred, and that was Grandma that night. I told her if she did anything to hurt Frank, I'd do anything I could to get her back. I mean, the woman was talking about murder and making sure he couldn't see his kids ever again. She got in my face and told me she was going to put me through the wall. My response? "Grandma, You've got a lot of years on me. If you think you're going to put me through a wall, try it. You might find out that I'll put YOU through the wall." So, then she punched me (hard, ouch) in the chest. She told me she was going to call the cops on me (for what, I haven't the slightest) so I beat her to it. Yes, friends, I called the cops on my insane grandmother. And then they came. She told them she wanted me out. I told them she couldn't leagally kick me out because I'd lived there more than 30 days (go Nevada law). The cops told grandma that I was right. They then asked what this was all about. Grandma told them about me dating Frank. The conversation went something like this:
Grandma: She's dating a 40 year old man.
Cop: Is she 18?
Grandma: Yes. But she knows I don't like him and don't want him around my house.
Cop: Has she ever brought him around your house?
Grandma: ...No.
Cop: Well, then it sounds like she's just trying to do the right thing. She is 18 and can date whoever she wants legally, and if she's not bringing him around the house then it seems like she's trying to respect your rules and wishes.
Ha. Hahaha. HA!
So, then they asked about the "shoving" (punching) incident. By that time Aunt Dee (Billy's wife) and Robert had arrived. The cop turned to me and said:
Cop: If we're going to report a domestic violence, we have to make sure it was truly a domestic violence. Now, listen carefully. I'm going to ask you a question and I want the truth. If you answer one way, we leave. If you answer the other, grandma's going to jail tonight. Now, when she "shoved" you, was it to harm you or was it to get you out of her space?
This was quite the predicament, because my grandmother without a doubt was trying to harm me. But I'm not one to send people to jail, even if they are unreasonable kooks. So I lied to the Las Vegas police department and told them she wasn't trying to harm me when she "shoved" me. Afterwards, Robert and Dee both told me they were proud of me for not sending grandma to jail when I could have and probably should have.
So I packed a bag and moved in with Uncle Robert and Frank. Things were going pretty damn good. Tiff and Jeff came out to visit for a week and we had a good time. Can't say Tiff liked Frank, but Jeff did. He's really a good guy. You have to look past his...past and see him for who he is. Yes, he did drugs. Heavy ones back in the day, as a matter of fact. But now he's a once in a blue moon pothead. But most of us live our life in that haze, without the drugs. Did I mention I made it 3 months clean of all drugs? Ha.
Then, we adopted a roommate. It was a 3 bedroom apartment, Robert in the master room, me and Frank in another, and Tomiko in the third.
Tomiko = fat + black + spiritual + in your face + talks for hours at a time + always naked + funny + broke + had a fling with Uncle Robert. Uncle Robert got some from her, and became infatuated.
Tomiko and I got a job for a company, which turned out to be a total fucking scam.
SEPTEMBER
So, Tomiko and I were jobless. I got a job at a pet store called Pet Pros. Not much money, but I love puppies. So, it was ok with me. Money is money. Tomiko got another job, but quit because she couldn't handle it. Now, I love Tomiko, but she has a few flaws. She's a mooch. She's also a liar which I HATE. I tell people to always be honest with me, no matter what. Guess she didn't listen. She's also an instigator. She likes to tell people what they're doing wrong in their lives. Like she has much room to talk. She does not clean. I'm not the cleanest person in the world, but I would never leave a full pan of crusty refried beans on the stove for two weeks. I suggested we put it in her bed. Robert and Frank wouldn't go for it. Damn. Tomiko is also lazy. If it takes too much effort to hold a job, she's gone. Her job was answering phones. Much too hard. She quit within four days.
It was very stressful in the house in September because Tomiko brought a LOT of drama. Uncle Robert was never home because of it, spending days and nights at his new girlfriend's house. I hated her from the start. She accused me of being rude because she came over the day that Frank's two daughters were over, and I promised Ashley (eldest daughter-14) that she could dye my hair. So, I was in the bathroom most of the time. I promised Ashley looong before I knew Robert's girlfriend was coming over, but apparently not spending 5 hours talking to her and only her made me rude. Ashley also told me she would trim my hair. I said no. She begged. I said ok because if she fucks up a trim, I could fix it easily. The first cut was on the back of my skull. "Layers", Ashley called them. Couldn't really stop her after the first chunk out of the back of my head. Never let a teenager cut your hair. Even for a trim.
OCTOBER
Tomiko and Robert got into it and he kicked her out, to make a long story short. It was very peaceful for a short time, like it was when Frank and I first moved in. My 19th birthday came and went. Frank took me out for a $100 dinner. Oh, and my beloved hamster Wubbie died 2 days before my birthday from cancer. Frank HATES hamsters. But for my birthday he snuck out and bought me a new hamster with a life guarantee and everything. Robert had to go with him though, because Frank couldn't pick it up. It meant so much to me. I picked up my new hamster and he crawled to my thumb and started licking it. Wubbie used to kiss me. That hamster would never bite a soul. Well, my new hamster tricked me. Started licking me then bit the shit out of my finger. So, I named him Shitty.
Oh, and another gift from Frank for my birthday? A mini vibrator. You might think that's stupid, but it meant a lot too because he spent hours trying to find the right one that contained no latex, because I'm allergic. Aww.
One night Tomiko called out of the blue and told us she missed us (Frank and I) and wanted to hang out. We said ok. She came over, we left and partied the night away. Well, before we left, Tomiko decided to leave a note on Robert's car telling him how hurt she was for the way he treated her. BIG mistake. Robert was furious and told Frank and I we needed to choose between being friends with Tomiko or having a place to live. We told him we chose him but his anger raged and he kicked us out anyway.
While we were packing, I told Uncle Robert what a piece of shit he is for throwing me out on the street when he told me he'd always be there for me. He had even told grandma that she was wrong for kicking me out and that Johnny (my dead dad) would be furious at her. Uncle Robert was totallytweaked out (I'll translate for you east-coasters. Totally tweaked out = fucking completely insane because you are so high on speed) Uncle Robert told me he hated me and that I wasn't part of his family anymore. (And this was all over letting someone we didn't even know wasn't allowed in the apartment in for a few minutes. And I'm not downplaying. That was the only reason. We even apologized and said we were wrong. Ah, well.)
So, if that wasn't bad enough, Frank kept trying to tell Robert that he'll always love him and be there for him and be his friend. They kept getting into arguments because Frank was trying to defend himself.
Let's pause for a few seconds and give some unknown details. Frank had a head injury 3 years ago and he's epileptic. Frank weighs around 130 lbs. Robert is drug addicted insane man of about 300 lbs. Back to the story.
So, as they got into arguments, Robert started throwing punches. He punched Frank 3 (hard) times in the head, which is illegal because Frank is considered handicapped because of his head injury and epilepsy. In short, Robert could have killed him, and is lucky he didn't. Through all of this, Frank refused to fight back. Told Robert "I love you and I'm not going to hit you!" I had to intervene. I'm not going to watch Frank die because Robert is stupid enough to punch Frank in the head. So, I tried to break it up. I stood in front of Frank. Well, as a result, Robert MY UNCLE, strangled the life out of me. I almost passed out because he wouldn't let go. Frank tried to pull him off, but is really no match for my 300 pound uncle. To make a long story short, Frank got punched in his head three times (you should have seen the knots, dear God they were huge) but luckily (so luckily) didn't have a seizure or have any more damage to his head and brain. I got strangled twice, punched in the back of my shoulder, and shoved to the ground repeatidly. You should have seen the marks on my neck and shoulder.
This is the moral: Speed is bad. It makes you crazy. It makes you try to kill people when they didn't do anything wrong. The end.
NOVEMBER
We are now living with our friend Buddy, and are much happier. No drama. Thank god. Buddy is letting us stay there until we are financially ready to get our own apartment. How convenient that Robert kicked us out just as we had paid all our bills, so we were flat broke.
I've since talked to grandma, and she's still insane. Told me that she doens't hate Frank anymore, but it goes way beyond that. She says she prays everyday for him to die. How nice.
My mom's sister, Aunt Cindy and her husband Uncle Pat came to Vegas to visit. Frank and I hung out with them for 3 days. Afterwards, Aunt Cindy and Uncle Pat apologized for pre judging Frank because of his age. They love him.
I guess that's the gist of it. If you're still reading, I goddamn commend you. I miss every single one of you. Please don't ever hesitate to call me. My number is (702) 273 0704. Surprise me. I miss everyone, and I'm so sorry I lost touch. Now I hope you can see why.
P.S. Frank and I have been together for five months, and were still going strong.
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